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April/May 2005 Issue
Stand behind them
by Jennifer Shike
I still remember the day when we bought “Mike” and “Jack” – two sorrel ponies with a lot of spunk and vigor. My dad knew that I had high aspirations of becoming a great rider and he did everything possible to help me on my quest.
This is where Mike and Jack fit into the picture. As we saddled these “learning” ponies up, I could tell right away that I would have a lot of work to do. They weren’t going to be easy to train. After Dad helped me get out to the field to start practicing, Jack took off bucking and kicking with me aboard.
I doubt it was easy for Dad to watch me atop that bucking pony, but I appreciate that he stood by, encouraged and helped me figure it out on my own. And, while he did take over from time to time to help teach a few lessons (for my safety), he always reminded me that they were my projects – not his. If he would have done all the work, I would have never learned as much as I did that year from Mike and Jack.
Mike and Jack never turned out to be the great show ponies I had been hoping to train, but they were a stepping stone for me in my journey to become a more experienced rider. When I moved on to a much better western pleasure pony, “PeeWee,” I advanced quickly because of the “learning” I had done with Mike and Jack.
Whether it’s ponies or pigs or basketball, I think it’s obvious that parents want to see their kid succeed. So, instead of letting them fail, the parent often steps in and takes over. And, surely their kid will learn by watching, right?
Unfortunately, it usually doesn’t work that way. When parents do the work, it relieves the child of responsibility so they turn their attention to other things. Sometimes parents need to step aside and stand behind their child’s decisions, instead of stepping in to save the day. What’s the worst thing that can happen if your child tries and fails?
If you think your child’s pig losing is too much to sacrifice, then maybe you need to reevaluate your priorities. But, if you would agree that getting second place or last place is not the end of the world, then it won’t be such a big deal to let your kids do the work.
The best thing about showing pigs is that it’s not really that dangerous. However there are always exceptions and you need to respect that your child will be working with an animal with a mind of its own. As long as you are supervising your child’s safety, pigs are a great project for kids to learn on.
From washing and clipping their pig to walking and feeding their pig, remember that your child won’t experience the joy of true understanding of their project and their achievements if their parent does all the work. When I look at some of the most talented NJSA “feeders” and “showmen,” I see kids whose parents gave them the reins to do it on their own. And I also know many of these kids would say their first few years were a bit shaky, but now they are some of the best in our industry!
I know it’s been said many times before, but you do learn more from your failures than your achievements. Sure, it’s more fun to succeed. But looking back on my life, I can pinpoint the “failures” I’ve experienced and how those failures have helped me find success today in my job, my marriage and my friendships.
I am not suggesting parents should not be involved in their kid’s life – on the contrary, I believe it’s crucial that parents are involved and supportive. I have had the privilege to watch many families interact the past five years. I’ve seen parents who do too much, not enough and just the right amount. And I’ve also learned that it’s not easy to figure out that balance.
I can’t imagine how difficult it will be for Dan and I to step aside and let our kids “fail” some day – especially when it comes to livestock projects. Whenever you know something about what your kid is doing, it’s even tougher to let them fail because you know how to fix the failure before it happens.
But, how did you, as a parent today, learn that lesson? Probably by the mistakes you made as a kid.
I’ve hesitated to address this issue because I don’t want parents to think I don’t support their involvement. I think if you know me at all, you know how much I appreciate parent involvement at the shows – there are so many things parents can do to help. Whether it’s working at the NJSA booth, creating crafts with kids at Kids Korner, working a panel in the show ring, helping with exhibitor check-in or most importantly watching quietly by the sidelines and taking pictures, parents are in great demand at our shows!
However, I just want to remind you as a kid who learned the hard way sometimes, that it’s OK when your kids fail. It will only make them better – and it’s not a reflection that you have failed as a parent. It’s a reflection that you have succeeded.
